I was 13 the first time I was whisked away by ambulance, feeling as though I was drowning, but my feet were firm on land. I don’t remember much from that day, but you know how in the movies, when someone regains consciousness, they see bright lights and people hovering over them?
You can probably imagine that if that person struggling to regain consciousness has ever been you. The memory can feel dream-like; as if you are recalling a scene from a film you once saw, not a scenario you actually lived through.
There were four more ambulance rides that saved my life after that. Turns out, asthma, allergies and anxiety are a pretty uncomfortable combination- especially as a child who’s parents have no real medical history of either. You see, when asthmatic symptoms begin, anxiety never fails to remind you of how scary the last asthma attack was.
Just like at 13, it’s still a pretty uncomfortable combination. Throw in a sinus condition and environmental allergies, a change in seasons, and a chronic autoimmune disorder, and you’ve got a pretty interesting concoction to deal with during a global pandemic.
I was 21 when I was diagnosed with my autoimmune condition, although I had been living with the same misdiagnosed symptoms my entire life. I was basically told autoimmune diseases don’t typically occur on their own; I would most likely be uncovering new issues for the rest of my life as I get older, but with the right knowledge base, I could manage my flares, lethargy, chronic pain, joint issues and depression caused by the loss of self-esteem many autoimmune diagnosis cause.
At first, I wasn’t afraid. When news broke that the coronavirus was in the US, I knew it was only a matter of time before it was from sea to shining sea. Truthfully, due to my “unstable” immune system, oddly enough, I sort of felt prepared. In theory, there wouldn’t be much that would change about my day to day life. But then you tie into the equation the other 7.8 billion people alive on this planet and each of their emotional responses to this chaotic news and you begin to throw yourself down a black hole of terrifying “what if’s”.
By now, though, the fear has mostly surpassed. I have always been more afraid of a loved one contracting the virus and me not being able to spend time with them helping, than contracting it myself, and I don’t know if that will go away. I have learned I cannot focus on that day to day.
The introvert in me is flourishing. I am enjoying my time in solitude- exploring all my favorite mediums to create in. I am spending really positive, goofy time with my partner. I am communicating with physically distant loved ones on a regular, weekly basis. I am spending many days overflowing with ideas, living in a make-believe world I thought didn’t exist, with far less pressure to perform and impress people, and more self-expression.
I have learned so many things in the last three weeks.
I work best on a set schedule. Early morning is my favorite time of the day. Stretching each day really makes a difference. A clean, tidy, organized home helps me accomplish more. I typically let laundry pile up too long, and it’s much better if I take care of the dirty stuff right away. The dog sleeps better when I take her for a run with me in the morning..
I can’t ignore the deaths that have plagued our entire planet due to the coronavirus. I can’t ignore the healthcare professionals, grocery store workers, restaurant workers and other people who are continuing to work overtime so that our communities don’t completely collapse. I can’t ignore the risk they put themselves at in order to help the greater good, or the economic impact it will have, or the families it has caused to suffer. This should be taken seriously. And the people still walking into work each day are truly heros- that fact cannot be diminished.
But I really believe that if any positivity comes of this, it should be that we all need to slow down a little more. The skies are all bluer. The oceans are cleaner. The sidewalks are fuller. The conversations, although they may be over video chat, are more intentional. Our days consist, mostly, of things we CHOOSE to do- often because we ENJOY doing them. I hear more kids laughter and birds chirping through our open windows, now than ever.
This time, for me, is time being used to reset. It, so far, has been an unforeseen blessing. No- you do not need to accomplish a whole bunch during this time. It is completely alright if you want to spend your days binge watching Netflix and snacking to your hearts desire. It doesn’t NEED to be a life changing time for you. The crazy part about all of this is for once in your life, you don’t have many expectations. I know for many, it is a very difficult time. And don’t get me wrong, I have my breakdowns. I am fearful of my friends and family’s health. I am fearful of my own health.. My doctors are extremely difficult to get in touch with. My income is at a complete halt. I will not be spending my birthday with my friends with year. But at the end of the day, I am grateful for each breath, the people I have in my life, and I know the only way we are all going to get through this is one day at a time.